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They call him the Bitter Buddha, comedian Eddie Pepitone is a master of the dark art of comedy. Hailed as a modern day cross between Jackie Gleason, Don Rickles and
Eckart Tolle.

In addition to his stand-up skills, Eddie Pepitone is a stand-out comic/character actor. Pepitone began his comedy career in New York City, quickly becoming a regular on the scene. He appeared regularly on Late Night With Conan O'Brien. His other numerous television appearances include Chappelle's Show, Crossballs on Comedy Central, Jimmy Kimmel Live, King of Queens, Last Comic Standing, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The Sarah Silverman Program. Pepitone also appeared in the hit movie Old School.

Eddie Pepitone

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Eddie Pepitone
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some thoughts about life!

The problem with addiction is it eats you alive but is intensely temporarily pleasureable. I want to recreate that intense pleasure. Give me pleasure. Give me more and more and more until I collapse like Keith Moon, or John Belushi not to mention Chris Farley, Jimi Hendrix, Janis, Heath Ledger, Edgar Allen Poe and potentially Shia Leboueff.

I am Eddie Pepitone and I am an addict. But aren’t we all? Hello I am America and I am an addict! Hello America. I have no days clean, and my sponsor is dead. I am a country built on the bones of the native Americans, my higher power is money , shopping, sex, drugs and soft food.

I kid America because it is my native land. We are living in the End Times. Now I know this has been said before by every generation. Take my word for it, this time it’s true. I just watched Arctic Tale about a Polar Bear and a Walrus, suffice it to say we are fucked. The polar bear and walrus get fucked because of the melting ice. And we are fucked because the oceans will rise because of the melting ice, we will be in the middle of ordering a frappucino when the ocean will fucking engulf us. I need a bigger vocabulary, a synonym for fucked is damned, condemned, ruined and unlucky, I prefer fucked.

I watched Arctic Tale in the San Fernando Valley- a dry desert, consumed with wildfires, drought and narcissism. I am measuring my food now as I am seriously dieting and in a 12 step weight loss program. I craved a peach during Arctic Tale and even though my food sponsor said don’t eat fruit late at night I did. I dared to eat a peach, even though my life is measured in coffespoons. I have lost 25 pounds recently due to no refined sugar and no refined flour in my diet. I have 55 days of this Spartan regime. Even though I must say since eliminating sugar I now appreciate the wonderful treasures known as fruit. I eat strawberries and peaches now with a passion. No more triple chocolate mousse layer cake. Watermelon makes me a dangerous man. Love it. My Sicilian grandfather loved it. Now I know what he was about.

Is it just a choice of addictions? What to be addicted to? Pick your poison? Gambling? Drugs? The Internet? T.V.? Sex? Food? Shopping? Addicted to talking about addiction? To analyzing Addictive behavior? We are addicted? Isn’t that another way of saying we are alive? To be alive is to be  split between enlightenment and ignorance. Our two warring sides of human nature. But we know fucking better. I know better. I am an animal who lives at fountain and vine. I am measuring my food and listening to the dalai lama but I still want to kill. I am a beast with a blackberry. I am a creature who owns a gorgeous entertainment center. I have a big screen high def t.v. and a large hole in the center of my soul. I am a dangerous, modern southern California comic who is one bad mood away from obliterating everything I love. Even though I eliminated flour and sugar and pot and booze and klonopin from my life I am still dangerous because I am all too human. I go to the grove with good intentions but if the line is too long at the starbucks café within the Barnes and noble I have murder on my mind. We are primitive-brained modern hunter gatherers, but now we hunt and gather iphones and warmed up snickerdoodles. We are brutes in our ape bodies in a sterile, ostensibly pleasant corporate environment and we are shopping. Who doesn’t like the fucking Grove? You have to be a moron not to dig the shiny,  good-natured, trolley riding, gourmet coffee drinking, fountain spewing , clothes-buying, people- watching, fresh food shopping, ice cream eating paradise that is The Mother-fucking Grove.

But what happens at the Grove does not stay at the grove. What I mean is- we buy stuff and take it back to our homes and turn on our internets and t.vs, put in our dvd’s and make sandwiches on our brand new panini presses we get at the grove. It doesn’t stay at the grove we take it fucking home. I have a panini press and sacco and vanzetti had a printing press- they got out the word on injustice and repression and I made a brie and ham sandwich that was warm. Sometimes I get angry at the Grove if my warmed up cookie is too dry or there is not enough foam on my cappuccino or if the salesperson at the Banana Republic is aloof and disinterested. I’ve had my primeval side come out on the trolley when someone bumped me or rudely stepped on my foot. My bestial side wanted to kill and all I could do was buy an ice cream at Haagen Daaz. Then I went home and jerked-off furiously to the images of the other female home sapiens who inspired my lust then I payed a bill online. I love the convenience. I am not saying I want to go back to our pre-industrial, pre-historic natural state. Wait, yes I am. I want to be at fountain and vine when instead of a kinkos there were saber tooth tigers and mastadons and orange  groves. I don’t think Hollywood had gossip rags about what the mastadons did.

I stray from the topic of addictions. We are all addicts, consumers of things and stuffs and we are all in a fight for our true selves. Meditate in a temple to cure my addictive behavior?  I get a bit antsy when I am around other “meditators”. I don’t like other seekers. I find seekers to be pissed off people who do yoga and meditation to avoid their real natures. You ever go to a yoga studio and have your matt invade the space of another yoga prick’s matt. I have. These people can make you shy away from bettering yourself and make you want to go shopping or eating or fucking or fighting or gambling or boozing or bong-hitting. I think we , as a nation, have to accept the fact that we are too late to stop the cycle of eating our own tails, of eating ourselves alive in order to be complete and whole. We are a nation of broken people and we can only hope to cobble together our lives in a way that minimizes the pain. If Barack Obama gets elected we will heal a little. If John McCain gets elected I will be drinking cough syrup and jerking off in peep show booths the way I did in NYC during the Reagan administration. The country is filled with violence, lust, desperation, severed connections and all we can do is watch Dark Knight at The dome while sucking down a huge diet coke and hope for a good end to all this.

This was a Rant, posted on 12/08/11 by

The Holidays in a Crumbling Empire

Yes the holidays are here and so is pepper spray, police brutality, unemployment, people dying because of lack of health care and no food and Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill. This country is a bloodbath of human misery and tepid movies, alcoholism, drug addiction and the brave men and women trying to make a difference with the Occupy Movements. Our politicians have no clothes but their stooges have guns and tear gas and batons and plastic ties to arrest people. I think a xmas special this year should show people getting pepper sprayed by Santa Claus, then beaten and taken away to county jails where mistletoe is hanging. Then some fucking sell out musician sings White Christmas!  So brutal to watch diamond commercials and people with their families enjoying wine and gourmet foods while the millions of disenfranchised people all over the world serve the rich and powerful’s never ending greed for more, more, more. Well it’s all coming to a head as the Occupy uprising and general discontent spreads, the powers that be can’t withstand the will of the people just ask all the leaders throughout history who have had their castle stormed and heads cut off. Please watch me on 2 broke girls.

This was a Rant, posted on 11/22/11 by

Filming in Florida

Sitting in a hotel in Sarasota, just finished filming a beautiful little indie movie called Free Ride starring Anna Paquin. I played a down and dirty sea captain. Man it’s hot in Fla even in November. We drove in the town of Venice Florida tonight and the xmas decorations just didn’t ring true. Hard to get into the Xmas spirit with 85 degree days in November. I filmed in the Gulf of Mexico on the water in a small boat and it was fun and beautiful but I am eating like an asshole here as I shove lots of carbs and sweets into me trying to make up for a lack of love or desperate wanting of something. When I am tired all my willpower goes byfuckingby. I spent the last 2 days in the blazing sun on the gorgeous Gulf Coast getting to play a dramatic character. It was cool but I am fatter, as I approach Oliver Hardy status I think to myself: maybe I will get back to l.a. and just eat salads again for a fucking year and try to be Stan Laurel. Then I say to myself: just relax kid, you’ll be alright. Just calm down and read some Mary Oliver poetry or Pablo Neruda or some of the death threats my mom used to send my dad.

This was a Rant, posted on 11/17/11 by

Brown Rice, God and Sarasota Fla.

So I am eating a delicious blend of brown rice, squash, crimini mushrooms and broccoli and it feels good. I did a 45 minute power walk , fed squirrels walnuts and …..what the fuck ?have I basically lost my mind? This space is supposed to be a scathing critique of life itself! I am a comedian who is so dark in his outlook that I dream of clowns, scissors and red birds attacking me. Yet I find myself eating lovely food and feeding God’s creatures Trader Joes Walnuts. Who have I become? If I become well-adjusted I will never hear the end of it from my miserable fucking friends. Misery loves company. I , alas, know that these moments of domesticated bliss don’t last as we are in the throes of global warming, climate catastrophe of the highest order, global food riots, poisoned food supply, economic inequality of disastrous proportions  and way too many fucking podcasts.

I will be going to Sarasota Fla, next week to film an Indie movie, should be pretty cool. I have never been to Sarasota. Oh life what sweet or glorious horror do you have in store for me! ?

This was a Rant, posted on 11/10/11 by

Conan And 2 Broke Girls

So a banner night on t.v. for me tonight as I appear as “The Hoarder” on 2 Broke Girls and I will be heckling Conan again, this time from L.A. reprising my ncy bit I did a couple of nights ago. Has success changed me? You bet it has! I now look with disgust on anyone who doesn’t have 2 t.v. appearances tonight. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on. If you’re not on televison twice tonight you are an asshole. That’s it from me- and oh yea, global climate change may decimate us all in 12-15 months according to a respected scientist. Enjoy!

This was a Rant, posted on 11/07/11 by

Conan/NYC

So I have been bumped for the second night on Conan waiting to do my semi-famous heckle bit from the audience of the Beacon Theatre-hopefully it will get on tomorrow night. I am loving coming to NYC and running from Conan to hip stand up showcases. Tonight I will be doing TYF at Lolita Bar and Sweet at Ella. I just show up all disheveled , looking like someone who almost got on Conan again. I have midtown hotel eyes at this point. They are the eyes of someone who is constantly surrounded by Euro-trash. I much prefer Greenwich Village to corporate, euro-trashy midtown. The euro is so strong compared to the fucked up piece of shit worthless dollar( that only exists because it’s propped up by the Chinese) that every fucking european with a passport and a cigarette is in nyc crowding our cafes with bullshit attitude and pretension. I myself prefer real nyers who’s asses have been dragging on the ground since they were born and they have long since given up on life and hate themselves but aren’t pretentious because they know they will die alone. Please come see me at Carolines tmw. night at 9:3opm!

This was a Rant, posted on 11/01/11 by

Trapped in a Hipster Hotel

I am staying in NYC at a place so fucking hip that you can’t see a damn thing. The lighting is darker than shit. I feel like my dad as I get pissed off at the front desk clerk yelling ” don’t you people want to see!? I mean God created light to combat the darkness. I understand the darkness has it’s allure, with it’s being dark and all but light is what we go toward when we are dying and it ‘s how we see the faces of children. It also enables us to appreciate the darkness by it’s stark contrast! Don’t get me wrong there are things I would only do in the dark: like masturbate to violent porn, crack a safe, strangle a rival, look at a glow light etc but I love the light too, you know with it’s great illuminating powers so I can see the checks I’m writing or the thing I am working on that’s due tmw so I don’t get fired etc” By the time I finished haranguing the little hipster dressed in black at the front desk she just looked up and sighed and said” Sir the decor bothers everyone but it’s just the way it is”. Fuck the Hudson Hotel.

This was a Rant, posted on 10/31/11 by

Halloween can suck it.

hey all you dress up people! I just want to say that if you look forward to Halloween I think you have deep, deep holes in your life. It is for children who like to be a pirate and not a 38 year old man dressing up as a “funny” Gaddafi. Look I don’t want to tell you how to live but if you are dressing up as a “slutty Elizabeth Cady Stanton” I just think you suffer from a lack of love. Now again I am not judging you, I just think you have too much time on your hands and are not connected to a family or cause that give you purpose. So this Halloween , do what I am going to do : Read Chris Hedges Death of the Liberal Class, which discusses how the U.S. has become a cesspool of celebrity obsessed dipshits who dress sexy on Halloween. Is this too harsh? Well I am dieting and feeling light-headed and bitchy, but  I still think you are a moron if you look forward to your Halloween outfit. No offense.

This was a Rant, posted on 10/28/11 by

Monday Morning

The birds chirp with a tender ferocity as I struggle up to greet the new week. I performed last night in Burbank and I am taping an episode of my podcast The Longshot tonight. I pray to be connected to the divine whenever I perform, lately I have been weary onstage. Out of sorts. I always have to remind myself not to run away from fear and angst but to let it be and not fight it. Turn it on it’s head into art. That’s what I do. Fear, anger, rage, confusion, lack of hope- they all go into a good stand up set that’s fun for the whole family. Do I have your attention now? Good. Give me your fucking money. You all read this and think that “oh it’s just another post from a comic”. No! It’s a threat: All of my posts are threats to your way of life. Now back away from your computer and put the shit on the dresser. PUT THE SHIT ON THE DRESSER!  Good. Do we understand each other? You call the police after this post and ….well… I wouldn’t want to be you.

Please come see me at Carolines on Broadway. Nov 2nd at 9:30. thanks. http://www.carolines.com/comedian/eddie-pepitone/

This was a Rant, posted on 10/10/11 by

The Comics Struggle

The revolution is starting to happen in sleepy, sleepy sports, porn , ipod and war obsessed America. The morons are all watching college football today with their factory farmed animals having been tailgated. However there is a growing amount of people waking up from the nightmare of consumption and celebrity. Everyone wants to be a star, everyone wants endless pleasure. No one wants to think and be disciplined to the universe from the heart, from compassion. I myself ate way too much vegan gelato and pasta last night, then watched old Colombo’s on Netflix. So today I am a little groggy and Occupy LA is calling me to come down and be part of life.

I’ve realized that the consumer/celebrity culture is a culture of death. Overeating, Overindulging, voyeuristic perversion of our divine natures. It’s so hard to stay on track , as WE AMUSE OURSELVES TO DEATH. Some have good jobs and they could give a fuck up any UPRISING. Fuck that, they say in their showers with the delicious warm water bathing them and CNN blaring it’s bullshit in the background with the dog barking and the coffee on. Others live on the streets with their mental illness dogging their every step.

What I’m saying is please come see me at Carolines on Broadway Nov 2nd at 9:30 with James Adomian opening form me!

This was a Rant, posted on 10/08/11 by
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The problem with addiction is it eats you alive but is intensely temporarily pleasureable. I want to recreate that intense pleasur... [read more]